


Burning for You

by uv_duv



Series: Hell's Heart [9]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Angst, Biting, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Fire, First Dates, Fluff, Guillermo's First Rodeo, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Hypnotism, M/M, On the Run, Road Trips, Small Towns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:27:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27633404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uv_duv/pseuds/uv_duv
Summary: ***I should have made this a chaptered work but it's too late now. Read the other parts first, there's a ton of necessary context.***Nandor takes Guillermo on their official first date in the tiny Texas town of Hard Won.“Do you know what else is beautiful?” Nandor asked, his hands on Guillermo’s upper arms.“Is it--”, “It is you, Guillermo…”Guillermo’s heart felt like the carousel, deliriously giddy and fast.”
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Series: Hell's Heart [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845076
Comments: 20
Kudos: 45





	Burning for You

The fancy room slowly slid sideways, melting like wax. Guillermo began to lose his balance while Nandor still held his hands--hands that glowed faintly under the illumination of his ring. Instead of panic, he serenely faded from his own body and watched himself and Nandor fall into a streaky swirl of post-dusk lapis lazuli. The jerk in his gut jarred him awake.

The weight of Guillermo’s head sank into a thin pillow, his side into a tough mattress. Cheap sheets clung to the surface of his sweating skin. The lines of Guillermo’s body sharpened as he opened his eyes to the dark. They drifted over the gleaming black hair splayed across the vampire's face, traced down to where it stuck to his stubble, before glancing over to Nandor’s eyes--eyes that were wet with tears he could just make out at the edges of his blurred vision. Even in the dark, even without his glasses, Guillermo could feel Nandor, the exact shape of him, from their bellies pressing together, their hands gripping each other's shirts, even their feet touching. It was comforting, the texture of Nandor's tube socks against Guillermo's bare feet. 

Guillermo angled forward slightly, pressing his forehead against Nandor’s and sighing, shaking as a warm exhale left his lungs. Nandor’s cool breath mixed with his. 

“How, h-how--?” Guillermo stammered weakly, unsure exactly what he was trying to ask. What he could possibly say.

“I will give them back, I promise… Nadja knows how…” Nandor whispered, struggling to suppress sobs, his lips tracing the words against Guillermo’s mouth.

Guillermo paused. Worrying the fabric of Nandor’s shirt between his fingers, he considered what regaining the memories Nandor took from him would involve. Ominous grey dread settled in his stomach as he considered what Nandor meant, when he’d said that the mindwipes were favors. He wouldn’t know, until he knew... 

_ Not tonight.  _ Guillermo could give himself that.

“Later... Back at the house, I think...” he decided as he spoke. 

Nandor slowly nodded and rubbed circles against Guillermo’s back. The thin sheets began to feel suffocating. Nandor startled as Guillermo got up, holding him tight as a strangled gasp escaped the vampire’s throat.

Guillermo stroked Nandor's cheek and whispered, "...I need a shower..."

He could sense more than see Nandor’s soft eyes gazing at him as he asked if he could shower with him as well. Guillermo nodded against Nandor’s face and quietly thanked him for asking.

\-----

Neither of them spoke as they undressed each other in the bathroom. Every movement was slow; Guillermo felt like his limbs were weighed down with sand. Nandor sat on the tub edge as Guillermo knelt before him and slid off his socks for him, pressing his head against Nandor's knee with a small sigh. Nandor slipped off Guillermo's sweat-drenched sleep shirt, and then they both stood, helping each other out of their trousers and piling their clothes on top of the toilet seat. 

Guillermo turned on the shower faucet. When it got warm enough, he took Nandor's hand and they stepped into the tub together. Nandor's palms landed lightly on Guillermo's hips, gently pulling him close once they were settled under the stream of hot water. Without his glasses, Guillermo saw Nandor as a hazy but still unmistakeable figure. The black of his hair, the line of his broad shoulders, the slope of his chest and belly… A landscape he’d spent over a decade tending. He wrapped his arms around Nandor’s waist, pressing them even closer, resting his head against Nandor’s clavicle. Nandor settled into the crook of Guillermo’s shoulder, his wet hair sliding down Guillermo’s back. The stream of water striking plexiglass was close to the only sound. 

Guillermo closed his eyes, breathing, breathing, breathing with Nandor. 

The pulsing red stones of the crypt. Endless hallways of torn shades, people burning from invisible flames, the bleeding woman at the edge of everything--infinite horrid images from Nandor’s mind threatened to seep into his. The hot water kept him anchored, forced his body to accept that they were standing naked together in a motel shower in Abilene, Texas and not in a dark, dusty maze surrounded by death and regret. 

_ How could all of that be behind Nandor’s eyes…? _

He hadn’t even seen all of it… And even though Guillermo knew that it wasn't real, rationalized that he wasn’t actually murdering Nandor, he still burned with guilt. His own heart ached, as he thought of stabbing Nandor there over and over and over again--what felt like a thousand times. Guillermo pressed his hand against Nandor's chest; the spot above his silent heart. Rivulets of hot water pooled between his fingers and then dribbled over the back of his hand.

But if he hadn’t done it, they wouldn’t be here now. Together. 

"I don't know what to say..." Guillermo said slowly, his lips brushing Nandor’s wet chest. He may have still been crying, it was hard to tell.

Nandor placed his hand on top of Guillermo's. 

"Maybe... let's just, be here now, together."

Guillermo murmured "ok", focusing on the hot water pelting him, Nandor's gradually warming body, and the musculature of Nandor's back and chest under his hands. They washed each other’s hair, scrubbed each other clean with free motel soap. Stooping below Guillermo, Nandor asked him to brace himself.

“What are you--?” Guillermo began to ask.

Nandor picked up his foot, forcing Guillermo to cling to the wall and Nandor’s shoulder. Wedging the bar of soap between his toes, Nandor washed it thoroughly; running his thumbs along Guillermo’s instep, against his rough heel, and up to his ankle, making sure to rinse all of the suds off. A steep swell of emotion threatened to flood Guillermo as Nandor switched feet; almost made him cry again even as he had to fight back a laugh at the tickle of Nandor’s ministrations. 

Somehow, it made Guillermo miss the claw foot tub at the house, the cabinet full of Nandor’s expensive soaps and scrubs and oils… Roses and sandalwood… The scents of Nandor’s attraction and affection. 

“Nandor…” Guillermo whispered, pushing a strand of Nandor’s wet hair back from his face. 

Nandor hummed in response, but continued to wash Guillermo’s foot. 

“I want to go home.”

“Then we shall go home,” Nandor said easily, looking up at Guillermo from his crouched position, his black hair dripping on Guillermo’s feet.

\-----

Guillermo wrapped Nandor's wet hair in a towel and showed him how to flip it up into a turban of sorts. He grinned maliciously and bashed his towel turban against Guillermo’s playfully, Guillermo giggling and retaliating. Then Nandor grabbed another towel and patted along Guillermo’s body, drying him off completely before offering him a fresh sleep shirt. 

"Good night kisses?" he asked Guillermo. 

Guillermo smiled and nodded. It was a soft, tender kiss that danced lightly over Guillermo’s lips. 

"Nandor, I--I want to ask you something."

Guillermo could tell even without his glasses that Nandor stiffened. Nandor hummed again, questioningly. 

"I just--Well, you know, I guess, about my nightmares." Guillermo sighed, reflecting on years of horrid dreams before continuing, "Please, cuddle with me? Every night? And if I start having a nightmare, make it go away?" 

Nandor nodded emphatically, shaking his towel turban with his eagerness. "Absolutely. Every night, yes, yes of course… " 

There was a pause and Nandor cleared his throat awkwardly. "What uhh--Suppose it becomes a sexy dream? What is the protocol then?" he asked, pulling on his own fingers. 

Guillermo considered the question for a moment. "Actually, pretty much what you did in my mirror dream? Let me know you're there, ask me what I want..."

Nandor nodded again, reassuring Guillermo that he would be sure to do that. 

Sitting on the bed with Nandor on the floor, his ring dimly illuminating them, Guillermo gently twisted Nandor's damp hair into two buns on either side of his head at Nandor’s request. It was something they did occasionally in order for Nandor to have nice soft waves the next night. Then they got into bed together. Nandor laid his head on Guillermo's chest and listened to his heartbeat. 

Nandor had one more question.

"What do we do if  _ I _ have a nightmare?" 

Guillermo chuckled. "Guess you're shit out of luck."

Nandor sputtered incredulously. Guillermo patted his head, careful not to disturb his twin buns, and whispered, "I’m kidding. Call for me like you always have. I’ll wake up, I’ll stay with you."

Guillermo kissed him good night and slept soundly in his arms.

\-----

The next night, as they walked out of the motel to the van, Nandor placed a light hand on Guillermo's upper arm and asked to speak to him. Colin Robinson darted towards them from the parking lot, with obvious glee in his beady eyes.

"Colin Robinson…” Nandor said with tense politeness, stepping forward to place himself between the energy vampire and Guillermo. “I would like to speak to my partner privately. One on one. You know...  _ alone _ ," he stated.

"Loud and clear, Nandor, loud and clear.” He lifted his hands in a placating gesture. “Seems like you two have made up, then. No worries, I can wait. When you inevitably blunder again I'll be able to feed from across the lot anyway," he snickered, replacing his hands in the pockets of his ecru khakis. 

Nandor waved a languid hand to shoo him away and waited for him to actually get in the van before addressing Guillermo. He was fidgeting with a gold ring topped with a splash of rubies on his index finger.  _ What was he so concerned about? Why is he wearing the business formal cape…?  _ Guillermo wondered. He had also insisted on dressing himself with no assistance that evening.  _ Hm. _

"Guillermo…” He seemed to stare at him in awe for a moment before continuing. “It occured to me while we were showering naked together that we have actually... never... gone on a proper courting date. Would you.. be wanting to do that... with me?" Nandor smiled bashfully at Guillermo, his teeth poking out, framed by his wavy hair. It was so, so cute. 

Guillermo gripped Nandor's hands with his and nodded yes eagerly, his smile spreading like sunshine as he said, "Yeah, I’d really like that." He hazarded a glance over Nandor's shoulder; there was a surprising number of people in the parking lot. He decided that he didn't care and gave Nandor a quick kiss on the cheek, relishing the delighted "eeee" sound that he drew out of him.

\-----

Colin Robinson was arguing with Nadja for the front passenger seat unsuccessfully while Nandor and Guillermo got settled next to each other in the back. The energy vampire muttered “well shit” under his breath as he buckled his seatbelt next to Guillermo. 

"I would like to call a van meeting to discuss some orders of business," Nandor said officially.

"Okayyy?" Nadja asked skeptically while Laszlo reversed out of the spot and nearly side swiped a baby stroller. 

“Guillermo and I consulted last night--”

“You sure did,” Laszlo remarked appreciatively. Nadja turned around from the front seat and raised her eyebrows at Guillermo, nodding knowingly at him with her fangs peaking out from a demented grin. She commented lovingly on his wonderful new smell. A small offended noise squeaked out of Nandor while Guillermo blushed.  _ For once, it really wasn’t like that. Well, mostly?  _ Guillermo furrowed his brow, wondering if mental blow jobs counted.  _ No, right? Hm. _

“I--No, that is not the topic! The order of business is that we will be returning home!” Nandor declared. 

Laszlo looked to Nadja; they both shrugged and agreed. 

“That’s great and all, but uh, maybe we should scope out the house before we just waltz back in there,” Colin Robinson suggested, actually raising a good point. 

“I can break in…” Guillermo offered, raising his hand.

“No! Veto! I am vetoing!” Nandor immediately interjected, crossing his arms in an “x” shape. Guillermo started to lay out how he could break all of the windows during the day, but Nandor refused to consider it, imploring him to think of the windows. 

“Come on Nandor, Guillermo is clearly capable, I say we let him have at it,” Lazlo advocated.

“Unacceptable!” 

Nadja held up her flip phone. “Guillermo doesn’t need to break anything, I will cell phone Wallace!” 

“Fucking what is Wallace going to do? Scat at the house?” Laszlo responded. 

“Not Wallace himself! He’ll know someone out here that can scry for us! We don’t have to BE at the house to LOOK at the house,” she said, waving her arms around for illustration. Nandor and Laszlo both “ahh’d” at Nadja’s explanation. She dialed the number then and there but it went straight to voicemail. 

Nadja started to leave a message until a mechanical voice said the mailbox was full. 

“Guillermo, how do I clear out his mailbox so I can give him my message?” Nadja asked, staring at the phone screen.

“You can’t delete someone else’s messages,” Guillermo said matter-of-factly.

“Well that’s stupid. I suppose I will text him then,” she said, beginning to peck at the number pad with her finger. 

“Yes, a good backup plan, Nadja. Please be letting us know when Wallace responds,” Nandor said approvingly, clasping his hands together. 

Nadja assured the van that it would no doubt be soon. With that taken care of, Colin Robinson reminded them that Guillermo should probably plug the house location into the GPS, given that they were driving in an unknown direction. Guillermo undid his seatbelt and leaned forward to reach the screen, peeking over his shoulder at Nandor, who was obviously staring at his ass with his mouth open.  _ Enjoy the view,  _ he thought with a smile as he typed in the address slower than strictly necessary and arched his back a bit. 

“A… uh… second order of business…” Nandor barely managed, clearing his throat as Guillermo returned to his seat. “I have asked Guillermo out onto our first dating excursion and he has accepted!” he announced excitedly, squeezing Guillermo’s shoulder and waving a hand to indicate him, as if the van occupants forgot who Guillermo was.

Nadja gasped happily, clapping for them both. Colin Robinson quietly groaned and then brought up Adelaide's.

“He raises a good point, what about Adelaide’s? Why doesn’t that count?” Laszlo asked gruffly.

Nandor looked towards the floor, rubbing the hem of his cape. “That was an apology, not really a date per se…”

“What the fuck did you call me?” Laszlo snapped. 

“I didn’t--!” Nandor responded before Laszlo cut him off again. 

“Dates can absolutely be apologies! Why, if--”

Nandor barked back, “Well that one wasn’t! We are doing a new first date!”

“So you want all of us to stop the van now that we are finally heading home after this most likely pointless sojourn just so that you can woo your little squeeze?”

“Yes,” Nandor stated, sitting up straighter as he did. “It is not exactly a big ask, Laszlo! It could be fun for everyone, it will be on the way, and besides, we stopped at that charming Cracked Barrel shop for Nadja. We could stop somewhere for you as well.”

“Until we hear back from Wallace, we don’t exactly have a plan anyway,” Guillermo pointed out.

“Also what Guillermo said,” Nandor said.

“Yes, I concur with what Nandor said about what Guillermo said,” Nadja said. 

Colin Robinson interrupted them with fake coughs. “I can suggest some good first date venues. For example, I saw an abandoned gas station we could loop back to. Or maybe you guys would prefer a private walk in the woods?”

_Wow._ Guillermo tried to stifle the spikes of his agitation at Colin Robinson reminding everyone of Adelaide’s and then the argument in the woods with Nandor, but it was impossible not to roll his eyes and groan through clenched teeth. He felt the reverberations of Nandor’s deep growl.

“Oooo, what about a public execution?” Nadja eagerly suggested, much to Guillermo’s horror. “Remember, Laszlo?” 

“I do darling, what times they were! Some of our finest outings, if I may say…” Laszlo said, chuckling fondly at God knows what atrocity. “Now, I could be convinced to stop for a quality hanging.”

“No, nope, I’m not watching an execution. No magic bullshit either,” he declared, squeezing Nandor’s hand. “Just… a nice, normal, regular human evening, please.” 

Nandor nodded and said, “I promise you a nice, normal, regular human evening. With me. So, unavoidably a little vampirey.”

_ “ _ That’s okay,” Guillermo said warmly, nuzzling into his shoulder.  _ My big scary vampire… _ Even though Guillermo didn’t voice that thought, Colin Robinson still groaned next to him.  _ Good.  _ Guillermo intentionally focused on his most positive memories, thinking of kissing Nandor... in the silk tub in Pennsylvania, playfully gliding through the hotel room in Louisiana, at the top of their dance in the fancy room of his mind a few hours earlier… He sighed contentedly, awash in warm memories of Nandor’s kisses, and cast a satisfied sideways glance when Colin Robinson doubled over and begged Nadja to switch seats with him.

\-----

The sickle of the moon through the van window reminded Guillermo of a slender rib. There was almost nothing to see, the landscape desolately flat and seemingly only decorated by stark power lines and reflective white mile markers. Nandor had been encouraging everyone in the van to keep their eyes peeled for anything that looked fun, but it was hard to imagine that any fun had ever been had within one hundred miles or one hundred years of the roads they were driving on. 

The van’s occupants simultaneously exploded at the sight of a sloppy hand-painted sign that advertised a bicentennial celebration in the town of Hard Won (pop. 1069), boasting a number of attractions in slap dash bullet points. Laszlo, of course, immediately commented on the name of the town, the specific number of people that lived there, and that it sounded like his kind of place. Nadja was thrilled that they had found a bicentennial all the way out here in bumfuck, while Nandor predictably fixated on the horse rides. Nandor looked towards Guillermo, the question obvious in his eyes, and Guillermo nodded.  _ Fuck it, why not? It could theoretically be fun.  _ And he was getting hungry. 

Perhaps appropriately, the road to Hard Won was not paved at all. The van vibrated as Laszlo drove slowly over gravel, prompting Colin Robinson to pull out his smartphone. He droned, “Huh, the internet says that Hard Won was the site of a particularly brutal--”

The van all hushed Colin Robinson. Instead, they chattered about what attraction they would visit first. When Guillermo got out of the van, Nandor placed the white cowboy hat from Cracker Barrel on his head, motivating the others to wear their hats as well.

“Guillermo, could you?” Nandor asked, gesturing to the tall black hat askew on his own head. 

Guillermo made sure that it was even, spreading Nandor’s pretty, wavy hair nicely over the ornate red cape on his shoulders. He checked his matching red and gold vest, adjusted the lacy white collar that spilled over it, and lastly spared a glance at his jeans. Somehow, he made those work too.

“Am I… looking okay?” Nandor asked, a little self-consciously.

Guillermo smiled again. “You look incredible.”

“So do you,” he purred, adjusting Guillermo’s black trenchcoat. His hands gripped the belt, could pull Guillermo closer... Nandor smiled and Guillermo found himself transfixed by his mouth, his eyes… but Nandor dropped the belt as Nadja and Laszlo barged in between them to get into the back of the van. They both decided to wear capes so that Nandor wouldn’t obviously outclass them and were critiquing each other’s outfits. 

“Do you think?” Guillermo asked Nandor once Laszlo and Nadja moved, holding up a stake from his duffel bag.

“It really couldn’t hurt,” Nandor replied with a casual shrug, grabbing his own saber before handing Guillermo a large curved dagger. He held it in his hands for a moment, feeling the weight of Nandor’s trust in every detail of the elaborate metal patterns on the sheath.

Nandor guided Guillermo’s hands to sling the dagger through one of his belt loops.

\-----

Walking across the dirt lot, Guillermo could see the bright rainbow geometric shapes of carnival rides arcing through the black sky. For a town with a population smaller than his high school, he was already pretty impressed. The aroma of delicious greasy food was heavy on the air along with happy sing-song circus music that reminded Guillermo of arcades at the boardwalk when he was a kid. 

Guillermo initially flinched when Nandor slid his hand into his, but then he interlaced his fingers and mentally dared anyone to say something as they walked through the iron gate. 

They had already gotten looks anyway. Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja were wearing their most elaborate capes, paired with their jeans and black cowboy hats. Colin Robinson was a beige monolith topped with his brown hat. Guillermo knew from previous experiences on their road trip that it wouldn’t matter what he wore. In a sea of white people, some of them stared and gawked, and a few were even bold enough to mutter audible off-color commentary.  _ Whatever. They’re fucking vampires. _

_ And I’m a motherfucking slayer.  _

\-----

Nandor held up a block of swirly blue and purple soap to Guillermo’s nose. Aggressive lavender and peppermint oil made him blanch and shake his head. Colin Robinson asked the woman stationed at the soap stand whether there was an appreciable difference between her soap and the bar soap he bought in bulk from the Dollar Tree. Guillermo and Nandor smelled nearly every soap between them and bought half a dozen of their favorites out of guilt for the poor soap woman being drained by Colin Robinson. At the next booth over, Laszlo and Nadja were admiring strange dolls with withered apples for heads.  _ Ha, weird. _

“I’m pretty hungry,” Guillermo said, filling his trench coat pockets with soap wrapped in paper. “Do you need to eat?”

“Mmm, I am satiated for now, thank you. But look, all gator meat! How very exotic.” Nandor sped over to the booth advertising “JERKY WITH ALL KINDS OF MEATS” with labelled pictures of alligators, sharks, and snakes. The vendor refused to sell to him, so he called for Laszlo, who hypnotized the uppity jerkymonger easily. Nandor opened the wrapper and held the meat stick up to Guillermo’s mouth. Guillermo took a small bite of the jerky, Nandor looking at him expectantly as he chewed. 

After he swallowed, Nandor asked, “How is the dried meat of all of the gators tasting?”

He shrugged. “Honestly, I think it’s just regular-ass jerky.”  _ It really didn’t taste any different? _

Nandor looked offended, furrowing his brow as he loudly insisted, “I would never feed you ass jerky!” 

“I--no, it’s, um, it’s fine,” Guillermo giggled, “I just mean, I don’t think it’s really alligator.”

“Only some of the gator? A classic scam,” Nandor scowled. 

Guillermo nodded and hid a small smile. They continued walking hand-in-hand, ignoring the looks and whispers, Nandor feeding Guillermo more of the jerky as they looked at other tables overflowing with produce and kitsch and variations in between. Nandor ran a curious finger along the seams of a large quilt flowing over a table. The gigantic, elaborately painted and carved gourds were genuinely impressive, too. Colin Robinson pointed to a bunioned crookneck squash and remarked that it looked just like Laszlo’s plague-stricken cock. 

“Mmm, it’s really a fair bit more rotten than that,” Nadja corrected. 

Guillermo and Nandor joined the game, striving to find the squash that most resembled Laszlo’s necrotic penis, to Laszlo’s protests. Nadja declared Guillermo the winner when he fished out a rotten zucchini from the ground between two booths.

\-----

“Guillermo! Guillermo, come quickly!” Nadja yelled, waving him over urgently towards the tall metal fence she and Laszlo were standing near. “You would mop this competition! You could win us all some coin,” she said encouragingly.

Guillermo almost felt flattered until he looked inside the gated enclosure and saw a flock of helmeted toddlers riding sheep.  _ What the fuck is wrong with this town? _

“Why don’t you enter?” Nadja asked, seeing his gobsmacked expression.

“Because… I’m not four years old?” he said, to Nadja's perplexed "oh".

“Guillermooo, I have another treat for youuu,” Nandor sing-songed as he popped up next to Nadja. “Colin Robinson recommended it.”

_ Fried squirrel brains?  _ That was something they had passed earlier and further convinced him that the entire population of Hard Won was insane.  _ Mad squirrel disease, probably.  _

Nandor flourished the treat from under his cape like a magician revealing a bunny. To Guillermo’s relief it was a fried Twinkie on a stick. When he took a bite, the cream filling burst out. He licked his lips quickly, already well aware of how phallic the Twinkie looked. 

“Now, I would be remiss to pass up an opportunity like this,” Colin Robinson said. “You two have already been offering me quite a meal with how uncomfortable you make these folks.”

“Yes, that is nice…” Nandor started to say, clearly skeptical of whatever Colin Robinson was driving at.

“Just as a wee little favor to your favorite energy vampire, do you think you could eat that more sexually, Guillermo?”

_ Oh, can I? _

Guillermo slowly lapped cream off the top of the Twinkie with teasing kitten licks, maintaining unflinching eye contact with Nandor. His jaw dropped open as Guillermo parted his lips enticingly, taking the Twinkie into his mouth, his eyes mischievous flames. Guillermo ate the crispy bite and then dragged his tongue across his upper lip, swiping up the cream on his mouth with a sultry smile. 

“Uhh…” Nandor half-groaned. Nothing coherent came out.

Guillermo sucked the rest of the Twinkie into his mouth and winked at him.

\-----

Laszlo trotted over to Guillermo as they continued to walk around. 

“Guillermo, why does it seem that almost all of these people have guns?” he whispered, his eyes darting around to many, many examples.

“It’s Texas. They hand them out once you turn twelve,” Guillermo replied in an even deadpan.

“Interesting bit of culture. And do they have silver bullets?”

“Nope. Just regular bullets.”

Laszlo seemed satisfied with that. “Excellent, no problem then.” 

“Guillermo, what is that?” This time it was Nandor, pointing to a large sculpture of a cow. As they all got closer, it was obvious that it was made of butter. Guillermo really wasn’t sure how to answer Nandor.

“So… this is some kind of harvest totem, then?” Nadja asked, squinting at it in confusion.

“Um, yeah, that’s right, they worship it for the corn to grow,” he lied. Laszlo looked around quickly before touching it with his finger, leaving an indent in its pale yellow bulk.

Nadja chastised him. “You have ruined their corn!”

“Wait, so, it is an object of worship?” Nandor grimaced.

All of the vampires hissed at the cow except for Colin Robinson, who was laughing.

\-----

“There’s a corn barn,” Colin Robinson said in a tone just barely above his usual monotone register.

“See darling, I did nothing to harm this town! They clearly have enough corn to bathe in,” Laszlo commented, indicating the large building that essentially housed a sandbox, but filled with corn instead of sand. Children were playing in it along with half-cognizant parents. Guillermo quickly asked the attendant to invite all of them in and was met with another shitty attitude, but ultimately she said, “Alright, fine, y’all can come in. S’long as you follow the rules,” gesturing to a dangling sign.

Laszlo immediately hypnotized her to let them do whatever they wanted, corn rules be damned. Guillermo sat in it and ran his hands through the corn. It was a weirdly soothing texture, dry and cold like rice. He looked over and laughed when he saw Nandor making a corn angel, spreading his arms and legs in it. Colin Robinson just stood and nudged it with his foot. Guillermo zoned out as soon as the energy vampire started talking about how it really should be called maize, turning his attention to Nadja throwing a handful of corn at Laszlo instead. He flash-stepped out of the way, causing Nandor to get a faceful of corn. 

Nandor stuck his tongue out and coughed up corn as he sat up.  _ Shit shit shit. _ Guillermo scrambled through the corn to Nandor, patting his back and then scraping the kernels off of his tongue as quickly as he could, checking his mouth and gums to see if he had missed any. It immediately reminded him of when Nandor swallowed bubble gum years earlier…  _ Laszlo would have to hypnotize a lot of people to forget the sheer quantity of vomit.  _ Nandor had filled the bathtub at the house, Guillermo tying his hair back and rubbing his back until it finally stopped. 

“Did you swallow any?” Guillermo asked. Nandor was suspiciously silent, looking away from him. After a moment he audibly sighed in relief. 

“Yeurgh. Thank you, Guillermo. You saved both me and the corn barn from a...” Nandor giggled at himself. 

“Don’t say--”

“From a corn...” Nandor’s mouth spread into a shit-eating grin.

“Please don’t--”

“From a total CORNTASTROPHE.” 

"..."

"A catastrophe with corn."

"..."

"A corn related catastrophe."

"...No I got it, it just made me want to die." 

"I thought it was a pretty a-maize-ing pun myself," Colin Robinson said, to Nandor's immense delight and Guillermo's deep distaste.

\-----

Nandor squinted at the corn dog in his hand. “It is not clear to me how this is either dog-like or corn-like.”

Guillermo shrugged and took a bite when a group of young men made predictable jeers, oddly targeted at Nandor and Laszlo in particular.  _ Maybe because they match more?  _ Then Guillermo thought,  _ Was it really worth diving into the logic of a bunch of dumb assholes? _

Laszlo whirled towards them. “You all clearly lack eyes and sense. Nadja here is my fine lady wife. Nandor the Relentless over there is our roommate, and I, well, I admit we have our dalliances, but that probably won’t happen again for a while because that’s his new beau, Guillermo dela Creme, his ex-familiar.” 

_ Why the fuck are you explaining this to them?  _ Guillermo squeezed Nandor’s hand and the grip of the dagger under his trench coat. He also frowned at Laszlo’s phrasing of “a while” and the mispronunciation of his name. 

One of the biggest ones stepped towards Nandor and called him a familiar slur, spitting on the ground. Guillermo kept his hand on his dagger and edged in front of Nandor, who was grimacing and still holding a popsicle stick with half of a corn dog on it. 

Nandor twirled it at the aggressor while intoning, “You will make deep kisses with your scrawny friend.”

Sure enough, the guy turned around and tugged a smaller man forward by his overalls and made to kiss him hungrily when the entire gaggle of douchebags went ballistic. The smaller guy pushed him off and joined them. Guillermo was surprised, impressed, and a little bummed, walking quickly with the vampires to put as much distance as possible while the distraction lasted.

Colin Robinson was clearly surprised too. “Thanks for another treat Nandor, but I thought you could only hypnotize people to do things they want to do.”

“They had a certain vibe,” Nandor said casually.

\-----

Laszlo hypnotized the cotton candy man for Nandor and then commented that he was feeling a bit peckish himself. Nadja tapped Nandor’s arm to explain the plan. “Laszlo and I are going to loop back for a big juicy farmer boy. Then he’s quite excited for the petting zoo, if you want to meet us there.”

Colin Robinson was also content to keep nibbling off of the vendors. Nandor and Guillermo wished them well and drifted towards something in the distance that was unusually shiny while Guillermo nibbled on the cotton candy.

It was a garden of glass animal statues. Nandor was quite taken by a life-sized horse sculpture, its skin a mosaic of mirrored tiles. Guillermo could see rotating zoo animals from a carousel, the glowing semicircle of a ferris wheel, dancing flickering lights on top of a black velvet night... and then his own solitary reflection in the reflective shards. Soft diffuse circles of blue, red, green, and pink floated on the lenses of his glasses, over his eyes. The stubble on his face, the sharpness of his gaze, the white cowboy hat, the black trench coat, he felt like a threat and a promise. Like a slayer. He finally loved his reflection, for the first time, maybe ever. He smiled at himself.

Then he giggled at Nandor saying, “They have bred them to be so shiny,” obviously impressed with the sculpture. 

“She is beautiful…” Nandor reached forward to pat the statue’s neck. “Oh, but so cold. Is she sick?”

Guillermo shook his head. “It’s not a real horse.”

“What is it then? It is clearly horse-shaped,” Nandor asked, perplexed, poking at the smooth tiles. 

“Well…” Guillermo scrambled for an explanation and quickly fibbed, “There was an accident. An accident at the, um, mirror factory. But this artist made something new out of all the broken mirrors.”

“That is quite beautiful,” Nandor said, looking at Guillermo now.

“Yeah… yeah it is…” Guillermo met his gaze, stepping closer. Nandor’s wavy hair pouring out from his black hat was a gorgeous dark waterfall, catching vivid streaks of color. 

“Do you know what else is beautiful?” Nandor asked, his hands on Guillermo’s upper arms.

“Is it--” 

“It is you, Guillermo…” 

Guillermo’s heart felt like the carousel, deliriously giddy and fast. He stood on his tip-toes and knocked off Nandor’s hat with his own as he kissed him. The scratch of Nandor’s stubble, his soft lips warming from his, his large hands cupping his ass and pulling him closer, wrapping him in his cape, were all better than anything Guillermo had seen that night. 

Nandor ran his tongue over Guillermo’s lips slowly. “You taste so sweet…” he whispered against his mouth. Guillermo closed his eyes again, sucked on Nandor’s lower lip, his tongue-- 

_ Oh goddammit. _

They were being watched.  _ Was it the same--?  _ No, Guillermo didn’t recognize any of the guys from earlier. Another fresh batch of shitheads were openly gawking, whistling at them, and now hurling insults. 

Guillermo stomped towards them, his hands in fists at his sides, his black trench coat billowing behind him, eyes blazing with rage.

“Why don’t y’all just fuck off?!” he roared. 

They actually did.

\-----

Before Guillermo could turn around, he felt Nandor standing right behind him. 

“Very scary, Guillermo,” he said fondly.

“Thank you,” he responded with pride blooming in his chest. 

\-----

They walked towards the petting zoo.

“I would like to ask how you are feeling about our first date. Is it normal and human enough?” Nandor asked.

“If anything a little too human,” Guillermo chuckled darkly, thinking of the homophobic dickheads they’d run into, along with the more subtle but more pervasive looks and hushed whispers they got all evening. Perhaps sensing his thoughts, Nandor offered to make it less human.

“No, no, it’s fine, and like, I mean, I’m having a lot of fun with you. But it’s only technically our first date,” Guillermo smirked. 

“Technically? What are you claiming is our first date then?”

“There were so many times…” Guillermo said with a small laugh, looking up at Nandor as they walked. “I guess, recently, remember the dictionary game we played? It was actually,” Guillermo dropped his voice to a whisper, “just before I killed Carol…” 

“Right, when you accidentally murdered Carol with a broom and then held both ends up to my chest. Accidentally,” Nandor said way too loudly.

Guillermo cleared his throat awkwardly. “...Well so, we were playing the dictionary game and I finally got a word that you didn’t know.” Nandor was clearly drawing a blank. 

“‘Nonpareil’,” Guillermo reminded him, pronouncing the word with a French accent.

“Ah, without parallel,” Nandor bopped Guillermo’s nose. “Appropriate. You are without parallel…”

Guillermo blushed. “You kissed my hand. You gave me one of your rings… Remember?”

“A very good move on my part.”

“I don’t think I told you this, but I lost that ring almost immediately. I felt so bad. I spent hours trying to find it…” Guillermo shook his head at himself, at the memory of fruitlessly scouring the house on his hands and knees for a golden ring covered in rubies. “But anyway, it was moments like that.”

“I promise you many, many more,” Nandor said, his voice liquid affection.

“Rings? Or moments?” Guilermo asked cheekily.

Before Nandor could answer they were both distracted by Laszlo yelling, “My darkest darling, HE came on to ME!”, pushing a goat off of him. Nadja sighed and rolled her eyes. 

Laszlo stood up and said, “Well chaps, to be frank I feel quite duped. This was not the kind of petting zoo I anticipated.”

\-----

Laszlo and Nadja had hypnotized the petting zoo attendant, so he automatically invited Nandor into the small fenced enclosure. Nandor immediately beelined to a large bucket of grains and picked the smallest goat to feed, reasoning that she needed it the most to grow big and strong.

“She tickled my hand, Guillermo!” Nandor yelled in glee. 

“They do tickle,” he giggled in agreement. 

Then Nandor saw a pink piglet.

“Aren’t you so very cute?” he cooed, crouching on the hay-covered ground. “Could we adopt him? He is so precious!” Nandor begged Guillermo.

“We spend hours every night in a van…” Guillermo pointed out glumly. Nandor’s face fell but he did solemnly agree. 

He rallied almost instantly, his eyes lighting up at something behind Guillermo. Guillermo heard a noise he couldn’t quite place until he realized it was Nandor silently screaming in incomprehensible joy.

“Look! Look Guillermo! They bred this tiny horse just for you!”

Guillermo looked. It was a brown miniature pony. Nandor zipped over to it and fell to his hands and knees, nearly weeping with joy. 

_ I--Okay. Wow.  _ Guillermo didn’t get it.  _ Isn’t it just a smaller horse? You’ve seen horses before! _

“I can ride a regular size horse!” he exclaimed. 

Nandor jumped back up and demanded that he prove it.

\----- 

Guillermo maybe regretted bringing up full-size horses. Horses were way bigger than he thought.

"You'll have to fling yourself a bit," the hypnotized assistant explained in a drugged-out way.

_ Fling?  _ Nandor was already on his horse, a white one. He was petting its neck and whispering to it. 

Guillermo's legs were much shorter and he struggled to climb on top of his horse, a big black mare that he felt was staring at him.  _ How smart were horses?  _ Guillermo lost his balance "flinging" himself and was embarrassed that Nandor easily rode up and pulled Guillermo into the saddle by the back of his trench coat. He was keenly aware that Nadja, Laszlo, and Colin Robinson were watching from the bleachers of the fenced-off arena. 

"She can smell your fear, Guillermo. Try to relax. Trust her," Nandor suggested as he literally rode circles around Guillermo.

"What? The horse..?"  _ Could vampires talk to horses? ...Could Nandor specifically? This had never come up.  _

"Of course the horse," Nandor said with a completely straight face. "Observe, Guillermo."

Nandor rubbed his horse's ears and took the reins in his hands. He had her trot easily in a wider circle around the enclosure. Then he changed his posture in a way that Guillermo couldn't quite make out, which made the horse pick up her feet. A little horse dance.  _ Show off!  _

Guillermo attempted to copy Nandor, at least the trot. The black horse snorted and didn't move. He took the reins in his hands and tried to pull her to meet Nandor, but she went in the opposite direction. Every attempt to steer the horse failed; she did not heed him at all. Guillermo started to panic and the mare began to speed up. 

"Please stop, please stop, please, please just--Dios ayúdame…!" Guillermo begged the black horse and God. 

"Let me assist." Guillermo turned and saw Nandor coming for him at a quick clip on the white horse. Nandor stood up on the saddle and walked calmly through the air, his red cape billowing impressively, bouncing to a stop behind Guillermo on the black horse. Nandor pushed him out of the saddle and into his own lap in one smooth motion. Guillermo blushed, his heart pounding like the hooves stamping the ground beneath them. 

There was increased murmuring and a growing crowd of people.  _ Jesus Christ, this fucking town… _

No doubt Nandor’s vampiric theatrics garnered attention. And now they were sharing a horse and Nandor's large hands were on top of his, grasping the reins. His back against Nandor's broad chest. Nandor's deep, husky voice in his ear saying, "Just like this, Guillermo," moving his body and his hands at once. The black horse immediately responded. Guillermo, too, if he was being honest.

Nandor took them to the center of the ring. "Where to, Guillermo?" he asked in a voice that was not even slightly innocent. 

"I--" Guillermo faltered. He heard jeers. Familiar words from high school. And then someone threw an unopened glass beer bottle at him. It shattered, spraying beer and glass shards over both of them. 

It might as well have been a Molotov cocktail thrown into gasoline. 

Before Guillermo could blink, Nandor tied his black trench coat closed, buttoning the collar up.

Before Guillermo could take a breath, Nandor hunched forward, blocking Guillermo with his body.

Another beer bottle spun through the air. The brown glass caught the light. It missed.

Before the second bottle even shattered on the ground, Nandor hissed in a way that Guillermo had never heard before. An unholy screech that sounded like claws scraping down glass. It reverberated through the air for an unnaturally long time, echoing in his head, compounding on itself. 

It made the hair on the back of Guillermo's neck stand up.

It made the crowd of people start screaming in pure terror. 

Nandor opened the gate with a hand gesture, galloping out of the ring. Guillermo was screaming, carried along so fast, gripping the reins with his life, his knees locked around the black horse's body with all of his strength. Nandor's chest heavy against his back, enveloping him as he leaned forward to ride. 

A sweep of Nandor’s arms and everything was a chaotic blur of color and flames. 

Nandor was a homing missile, fixated on someone running in the middle of the crowd. The horse trampled anyone in the way. Guillermo could feel the horse’s powerful movements beneath him and Nandor growling deeply pressed against his back. 

As they drew closer, Nandor let go of Guillermo's hands. They were clenched into claws, nails lengthening to lethal points, outstretched for the man. Nandor was like a hawk just about to dig its talons into the running man. 

Now Guillermo could see that it was the guy who threw the bottles.

Nandor’s arm curled around the man, heaving him off the ground and against the horse. He was screaming much louder than Guillermo, looking to him for mercy. He found none in Guillermo’s lead-dark eyes, staring back at him in cold rage and disgust. 

The fingers of Nandor’s other hand hooked under his jaw and  _ tore his fucking head off _ . 

The sound was a wet rip that sprayed blood everywhere. Nandor threw the head into the crowd, circled back around, drawing his saber, and lit them on fire while trampling them and cutting them to ribbons easily.

Guillermo continued screaming as Nandor rode through the rodeo grounds, lighting everything on fire and cutting down anyone in his path. At some point, Guillermo's screams became maniacal laughter. 

At the gate, Nandor made the black horse rear up while he screamed, "I AM NANDOR THE RELENTLESS, IMMORTAL WARRIOR, PARTNER OF GUILLERMO DE LA CRUZ, VAMPIRE SLAYER! FOR HIM I WILL BE BURNING YOUR SHITTY VILLAGE TO THE FUCKING GROUND!!!" rattling his saber and turning the horse to gallop down the main street. Huge plumes of flames rippled through the buildings on either side of them called by Nandor's hands, a hellish wake as he zigzagged through the town, making sure to get everything, and evenly. 

The flames were beautiful.

\-----

They rode far outside the enormous fire formally known as Hard Won. Laying back against Nandor, Guillermo had never seen so many stars. The black horse slowed to a walk and Nandor let her wander around. 

"Are you okay?" Nandor asked gently, trying to examine Guillermo.

Guillermo laughed again. "That was… that was… wow…" he trailed off, looking up at him with a mix of amazement and arousal. He laughed harder as he sat up and threw his fists into the air, whooping wildly. Slumping back against Nandor, he could feel himself coming down from the most incredible high of his life. 

Suddenly, Nandor straightened up in the saddle with a start. "Oh shit, Guillermo, I forgot the head. Do you want the head? We can go back for it." 

"I'm okay, thank you. You can give me a different kind of head later…" Guillermo purred suggestively, reaching his arms up around Nandor’s neck. 

Nandor could read the mood. 

“Hmm… I do have hands. Very capable hands...”

Guillermo’s heart started to kick up again at that. It kicked even harder as Nandor undid the buttons of his trench coat, taking his time, nibbling Guillermo’s ear and kissing his cheek. Nandor undid the belt, gingerly parting his trench coat open. Guillermo secretly thanked God that he wore a blue button up cardigan and a white button up shirt. Nandor repeated the same treatment, his fingers working down and peeling open each layer like Guillermo was a tempting fruit, finally revealing his bare chest and belly. Guillermo felt like he was glowing, the light from the fire flickering over him, the cool night air refreshing against his adrenaline-hot skin. He reached for the chain of his silver crucifix necklace, but Nandor stopped him. 

“Let it burn…” Nandor growled. 

They were both slowly rocked by the horse grazing beneath them. Guillermo was floating, bathed in the night, of infinite stars, of Nandor protecting him, of Nandor ripping off someone's smug fucking face for him. Burning down a town for him.  _ The way he hissed... _

Nandor kissed his neck softly, running his lips down the line of his throat, the edge of his teeth just teasing the delicate skin, sizzling from the proximity of the silver chain, but then he got stuck tugging on the black trench coat with a little whine of frustration.  _ Must've forgotten,  _ Guillermo thought affectionately while shrugging it off for Nandor. He continued kissing down lower, nearly to Guillermo's shoulders. Guillermo arched against him, heat consuming his body, reaching backwards for Nandor. His heart beating even faster. And then another pulse between his legs. He was easily hard and could feel Nandor's erection against his lower back too. 

Nandor's hands stroked Guillermo's body, his shoulders, his chest, his sides, squeezing his flesh greedily, mouthing his neck and shoulders at the same time with a rumbling growl. Guillermo was so hot to the touch that Nandor's cold hands running over his body gave him chills. Nandor undid his pants and slipped a hand under the elastic band of his underwear. He found what he was looking for. Guillermo whimpered when he felt Nandor's fingers lightly brush over his cock.

Nandor took his hand back and Guillermo whined.

"Nandor, please…" he begged in a breathy voice.

Nandor chuckled and Guillermo heard the popping sound of a plastic lid. One arm held Guillermo against him while the other slowly stroked up and down his cock with the surprising addition of lube.  _ When did he--? _

“Ohhhh… nnng...” Guillermo moaned, involuntarily hitching his hips into Nandor’s hand.

“Should I keep doing that then, Guillermo?” Nandor teased in a low voice, nipping his ear lobe.

_ Por favor Dios, no te detengas, no te detengas… _

“Yes, yes, yes--!” __

Guillermo was writhing against Nandor. Nandor started to go faster and added a motion, a twist of his wrist at the top of each stroke that was like a jolt that made Guillermo feel like a plucked string. The pleasure was spreading past Guillermo's groin to his thighs, a coiled heat in his belly. He tilted his head, offering his neck to Nandor.  _ Please. _

"Bite me," Guillermo commanded in a completely filthy tone of voice that surprised even him. 

Nandor slowed down.

"You are sure?" 

"Yes, yes… I want this so bad… I want you to bite me so fucking bad..."

Nandor picked up the pace and mouthed at a spot on the base of his neck, on the right side. Guillermo was so excited between the bite and the mounting pleasure of Nandor’s hand around his cock that he grabbed onto Nandor's thighs and held on tight, bracing for his inevitable orgasm. Nandor kissed the spot on his neck. And then bit.

His razor teeth plunged through Guillermo’s taut skin easily, into the muscle and arteries knitted beneath it like a needle through fabric. The pain was intense, but Nandor also stroked Guillermo harder and faster. The mixture, pain and pleasure together, made Guillermo’s nerve endings scintillate and sing. The bite burned like nothing else. It spread like a flame gnawing at paper, from his neck to his shoulder, all the way to the base of his skull. Nandor took a gulp and moaned so loudly and with so much obvious pleasure that it echoed across the empty grasslands, reverberated through Guillermo’s body, making him gasp. 

Guillermo’s entire body tensed, on the edge of his release, when Nandor groaned and rutted against him and drank more, the blood dripping down over his collar bone and onto his chest, Nandor’s fingers digging into the luscious thick flesh above Guillermo’s heart as he stroked him as hard and as fast as he could. 

_ Fuck fuck fuck--  _ Guillermo almost felt like he was on the verge of exploding.

He came so hard, fingers digging into Nandor's thighs, that he sobbed as he threw his head back against Nandor, his vision filled with literal and figurative stars. 

Nandor stopped, kissing Guillermo’s neck with bloody lips. The open wound stung even more from the cold night air, almost missing his fangs. He shuddered into Guillermo’s ear and haphazardly dabbed at his cum-splattered stomach with a tissue.

\-----

Nandor hovered off of the black horse, cradling a very spent Guillermo with him. He helped Guillermo to his feet, buttoning his clothes, putting him back together. As Guillermo drifted back to reality, he realized that Nandor was taking off the saddle. It fell on the ground. 

"We are going to let her go."

"Is that like… will she be okay?"

"She is smart, she will decide what she wants," Nandor said, taking off her bridle as well. "Thank you, Chastity. Very good girl." He patted her head. 

Guillermo sputtered in disbelief, "The horse was named  _ Chastity _ ?"

"Is that funny or something?" 

\-----

**Author's Note:**

> _So romantic..._
> 
> The song "Burning for You" by Blue Oyster Cult is a classic! 
> 
> Thanks so much for the long wait! Hopefully this long (the longest so far) part was worth it! Yeehaw!
> 
> Special shout out to my beta Jackie_Daytona! And of course to many users on the Nandermo discord for influencing the uniquely American activities at the bicentennial. UpstartCrow, Interrobang, chels, sinaesthete, riskylatte, andyandnormski, and probably more to be honest it was a real team effort.


End file.
